ruminations - reflections, statements, titles, brainstorming, quotes from related inspiring texts... my state of being and more regarding mostly to my photo-sculpture. (chronologically latest to earliest)

--------Intro: The idea of photosculpture came to me around 1992 or 93 and I created my first one for my Interdisciplinary Arts Senior Project while at San Francisco State University in 1995. I wanted to take the dancer in my dance photography out from the flattened 2-D photo and back into a 3-D space as a photo realistic sculpture so you can feel the presence and importance of the dancer's multidimensional form. That's how it all started. As a dancer turned dance photographer turned sculptor. It was never my intention to disturb but to inspire and evoke and shock. As sappy as it sometimes sounds.

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Here is a 'sweet' version of a statement circa July 19, 2007 I provided for an exhibit at The Advocate and Gochis Galleries at the LA Gay & Lesbian Village. - My photosculpture works were originally inspired by my passion for how dance expresses our ability to constantly change and grow gracefully. Each individual piece of my sculptures collage together and most often represent, to me personally, a magnification of our skin shedding and how we shed in and out of so many different aspects of ourselves. They were never intended to disturb but to call attention to and celebrate our multidimensionality and the diverse circle of life we all share.

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I tend to repeat myself... in different ways

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speaking of which, I'm amazed at how the themes of my work can stay the same and stay refreshing simultaneously. I was reading through some of my earliest "forgotten" entries (scrolling way down) and really realize I've been refining my understanding of my work for years. I reworked an earlier rough graft rumination and am reposting it here:

My sculpture represents many points of view, obviously physically, but more often I think of each piece of paper representing different parts of my psyche or spirit and how I choose to see them. At one moment, they can seem to represent our dark side and dark issues. As a reflection of me, for example, if I choose to see them as depressing or scary, I think they are an outpouring of me working out and shedding my past struggles with facing the truth of a part of who I am. Coming out of the closet was a major challenge to my ego, which thought it would be easier to live a lie. My fearful ego tried to drown out my natural inclination to be happy as I am and tricked me into believing in it’s false construct of being lesser-than, non-deserving, shameful, and on and on. I was actually consciously dedicated to building this façade, happy even to at least appear normally happy to others as long as I felt loathsome on the inside. Feeling suicidal and severely depressed was almost fully accepted as normal, no questions asked. Until that facade, and I, broke down, thank heaven. It can be a struggle not to initially identify myself and others as objects of fear, just as I choose not to see each piece of paper in my sculpture as another scary layer of inadequacy. I choose to see passed the sculptures and my self seeming to be a constant unfolding of compiled, destructive patterns. * Despite having disclosed all that about my dark times, I hardly ever see my sculptures as forboding angst. I really see them reflecting the freedom you feel when you are dancing away to a great song and you are at one with being carefree and surrendering to the bliss of the beats and rhythms. You are jumping and spinning around to the sound, grace in the flow of your movements comes naturally and you go in and out of states of consciousness from sublimely aware of your surroundings to sweetly still inside although your shaking every fiber of your being. Changing your position constantly. The excitement of experiencing that lightness in every part of myself is what I express with all the pieces that make up my sculpture. I come from my passion for the healing powers of dance that our at one with change that take you way passed any paper thin façades of false negative illusions. I come from my core of deep down love where every layer of self is a reflection of all the gorgeous and positive aspects there are to being alive and living every moment. Each inch of me is as sacred as the next and with every piece of paper I sculpt another peaceful part of me. I consciously reflect on how we are more than what we seem. I remind my self that we are a reflection of the truth of love and everlasting life that is inside of us, inside the ether between the atoms of our cells.

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utopian visions are overtaking me thinking of that person acting as president right now my mind says- fear of change is fear of death, only causes less change and more death... (happy thoughts I know) I want clean burning cars now! government should enforce that for our global security - not like the demand isn't there dammit. I want the utopian ideal of complete utter revolutionary change -commit Meanix - balance of power, balance of environment, balance of freedom - that's what my work says to me - a shedding of our natural balance, committing to it all, tear yourself up- start over and over cuz change is part of balance and it's not always neat and tidy, anything goes, get ready for a major rearrangement. religions teater and fall, while spirits gather and rise to the call, utopian revolutionary reality, recycled love, legalize growing your own fuel, take a look, peace is common sense

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religions can tout suppression but we're not killing anyone here, complete creative expression is my form of aggression

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I'm totally f'n sick of it, times come for changing the balance

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astounding realistic transformation

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ritual, decisions, empires, windows, safe keeping, comes to surface-- in each piece of paper

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illusions of duality, under all the hypocrisy, what I see as a hate debate, we all respect each other and love as one, we're just to proud to live in sappyville or something. then i think about it and it seems we are actually living quite the utopian dream where people of many 'opposed' opinions can walk passed each other on the street peacefully in many parts of the world. Maybe they are judging the hell out of each other but there is still some innate respect of the contrast and diversity and beauty. ideally.

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We're 'standing at a crossroads' - destruction or creation.

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why? because part of me said I couldn't when part of me said I could, can and will.

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-every day

we choose

every day

to shed the past

to start anew

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implanted in my mind while psculpting:

every capture of clear beauty

every tear to set it free

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a magnification of our skin shedding and rejuvenation. a celebration of life's contrasts, ever expanding, graft and renewal, how under all the constant gorgeous sometimes misunderstood change and growth, there is a sublime understanding, beyond expanation, where we are simply understood.

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building ourselves

imperfections and all

mistakes add character

change is power

tear yourself up

start over

it's all beauty

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moving inside

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drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Lyrics from Let Go by Frou Frou

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This is an essay I heard on NPR and I keep thinking of in relation to the message of my art...

Utterly Humbled by Mystery

by Richard Rohr 
 

Richard Rohr is founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, N.M. He took his Franciscan vows in 1961, and was ordained as a priest in 1970. Rohr is a frequent speaker and writer on issues of community building, peace and justice. Center for Action and Contemplation
 
 
 
“We love closure, resolution and clarity, while thinking that we are people of 'faith'! How strange that the very word 'faith' has come to mean its exact opposite.”

 
 
Morning Edition, December 18, 2006 · I believe in mystery and multiplicity. To religious believers this may sound almost pagan. But I don't think so. My very belief and experience of a loving and endlessly creative God has led me to trust in both.
I've had the good fortune of teaching and preaching across much of the globe, while also struggling to make sense of my experience in my own tiny world. This life journey has led me to love mystery and not feel the need to change it or make it un-mysterious. This has put me at odds with many other believers I know who seem to need explanations for everything.
Religious belief has made me comfortable with ambiguity. "Hints and guesses," as T.S. Eliot would say. I often spend the season of Lent in a hermitage, where I live alone for the whole 40 days. The more I am alone with the Alone, the more I surrender to ambivalence, to happy contradictions and seeming inconsistencies in myself and almost everything else, including God. Paradoxes don't scare me anymore.
When I was young, I couldn't tolerate such ambiguity. My education had trained me to have a lust for answers and explanations. Now, at age 63, it's all quite different. I no longer believe this is a quid pro quo universe -- I've counseled too many prisoners, worked with too many failed marriages, faced my own dilemmas too many times and been loved gratuitously after too many failures.
Whenever I think there's a perfect pattern, further reading and study reveal an exception. Whenever I want to say "only" or "always," someone or something proves me wrong. My scientist friends have come up with things like "principles of uncertainty" and dark holes. They're willing to live inside imagined hypotheses and theories. But many religious folks insist on answers that are always true. We love closure, resolution and clarity, while thinking that we are people of "faith"! How strange that the very word "faith" has come to mean its exact opposite.
People who have really met the Holy are always humble. It's the people who don't know who usually pretend that they do. People who've had any genuine spiritual experience always know they don't know. They are utterly humbled before mystery. They are in awe before the abyss of it all, in wonder at eternity and depth, and a Love, which is incomprehensible to the mind. It is a litmus test for authentic God experience, and is -- quite sadly -- absent from much of our religious conversation today. My belief and comfort is in the depths of Mystery, which should be the very task of religion.

(Thanks to NPR and Richard)

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My work is often seen to be about facade. To this I say, "Not so much." Not first and foremost. I'd like to stay clear of the word facade since it has a negative connotation and my work is as much about lifting veils of truth as donning what's false.  (Facade is a powerful word that should ideally be viewed in all it's varied ways but I think, unfortunately, it has a negative connotation and I am not trying to emphasize "a negative outlook towards life".  Nor am I even denying my works often pre-assumed narrative in regards to negativity.  I only wish my work was more often first seen as emphasizing our positive ability to shred through possibly false facades.  I'm into the broader vision that my work magnifies our mastering change, constant rejuvenation and metamorphosis which isn't always as evocatively dramatic a discussion for people.  Anyway, this is where I struggle most with the intention of my work getting 'misunderstood' so I am sensitive to this point.

While reading about Hinduism, I saw my work as a representation of our spirit's determination and marriage or commitment to purpose-

Marriage- a close and intimate union; "the marriage of music and dance"; "a marriage of ideas".

A quote describing 2nd (Grihasta- House-holder, ages 24 - 48) of 4 Stages of Hindu Life: Marriage is not meant as a means to satisfy carnal craving. It is regarded as a means to spiritual glory, a sin qua non for* the development of lineage - a necessary link between the dead past and an unborn future that must come alive to be undertaken as a part of spiritual duty with devotion (Shraddha) to perpetuate the family tradition. (I see this in the sense of peaceful loving tradition, not 'conservative family values'!)

Partners who enter in wedlock are not 'paragons of virtue' as they appear in the first flush of enthusiasm. *None is perfect and to seek for perfection in the partner is like seeking a mirage in the desert.
Perfect relationship is created by conscious effort and not discovered all of a sudden. The incompatibilities have to be resolved by a continual mutual adjustment and reconciliation by a willing attitude of 'give and take'. (Symbolic of my obsession with our ability to morph with change)

Every person has his Svabhava (natural being) fitting him for his Svadharma (natural function). We cannot change either our natural being or our natural function because nature cannot be forced into a change by our whims and fancies.
A Sadhu was rescuing a scorpion that had fallen into a pond. Every time he lifted it out of water, it stung him but he would not give up until it was saved. One of his disciples asked why he was persistent in saving the scorpion that stung him. The Sadhu replied: "The `Dharma' or nature of scorpion is to sting; the nature or Dharma of a Sadhu is to rescue a being from distress - and in this case sure death by drowning. So long as the scorpion does not give up its Dharma why should I give up mine and give up saving it?" The `Dharma' of fire is to burn, of water is to be cool, of wind is to blow. So, the Dharma of man is to be humane. *This story emphasizes how one should go on doing one's duty even if obstacles, impediments and difficulties intervene in discharging it. (Re: how I see my work symbolic of our constant shedding of self acceptance and realization)

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biological urge, creative output, beautiful creature

the duality of defining what begs anonymity

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quote from Peter Kingsley's book Reality- Human existence is nothing but the divine life unlived. And to start to live it, you have to come aside while you still can. You have to find the sacred spot where teacher meets disciple and the real learning begins-- A learning that has nothing otherworldly about it. In actual fact it's not so much a process of learning as a stripping away of all the teaching you have ever had until you are left quite naked, facing something far greater than yourself.

Bio/Statement:

I was born a middle class, white boy from Pennsylvania who dances through life taking pictures along the way.

When I think, at times, I am most comprehending my work, it seems to capture and reflect the many sides of the revolution between our ego's brutal attempt to fix identity in place despite our beautiful power to constantly change and transition. Other times, I feel like it's meaning is beyond comprehension and I'm fine with that because I don't want to academically over-think it. I relish it as anti-academic, pro-no need to define. It is whatever I want it to mean. At any given moment. All ways at once, always at one.

Whatever I want it to mean

At Any Given Moment

Always at one. All ways at once.

The lessons we learn.

Adict Organic, Getting The Picture, Better Left Unsaid, Overstated... Evolving Contradiction

"Even if the whole world were to fall to pieces, the unity of the psyche would never be shattered. And the wider and more numerous the fissures on the surface, the more the unity is strengthened in the depths." - Carl Jung

I've been fascinated with photography ever since I would dive through pictures as a kid and see myself captured as a blur. Now, I'm unapologetically obsessed with our body's ability to perpetuate it's own motion and recycle itself. I see all the layers of my sculptures as shifting and paying homage to personal transformation. I'm also giving honor to how we handle change in respect to maintaining a dynamic self image. Coming to terms with the philosophy that there is no creation without destruction, my work boosts me to simultaneously stay present and keep moving forward to shatter any limiting preconceptions.

9/22/04: Self Realization Exercise

When I get psychologically stuck, my sculptures remind my mind to be more like my body in how it constantly reinvents itself, cell by cell, innately moving forward, shifting and changing. All the surface layers represent that transformation and a conscious shedding of old patterns or insecurities that can’t hold me back. I like it when people get excited when they see my work, that it confronts them in a positive way. I think it reminds them that change may be scary and a challenge but change is good and starts with you, that’s why I like the fact that my subjects have to sit as a replica of themselves gets built around them. They have to sit still for once and go inside themselves to relax and realize they can also get outside themselves. They get a chance to be present as they incubate and realize they are a brand new person every moment.

recent titles: totally personal, seeing nothing, taking place, take your time, with all due respect, Ms. Liberatore, Oh Brother, You aren't the only ruler in this galaxy, Rulers and Liberators, sustanance, complete rearrangement. complete opposite, uncomplicated, therapy vs. currency, ulterior motives, the healing arts, healing artists, radical change, Dychatomy, definitely, left undefined, make over, anythings possible, working title, outrunning the past, divided circle, you can't say no forever, growing up laying plans, handicaps, you never know, experience, so much written on the blank page, immenently maleable, naked defence, receiving, holding back a sneeze, explode, having fun, never say never, never say always, blind awareness, mixed reaction, inventions, for now, now or never, forever, gotta go away to come back, ad infinitum, personal research, ad nauseum, momentus

August ish /2004:

My Six Feet Under Story:

1) Relating to Claire:

I think the work fits Claire really well because she is both sensitive and strong. She has been made fun of her whole life for growing up in a funeral home so she throws it back in peoples faces and drives a hearse. She is always struggling with her empathetic ability to see behind all the different sides of a person even if they might seem mean and ugly. She’s never been afraid to seek the truth of a person despite their facades, especially her own. She’s gone from a girl at a loss for her purpose to finding a love for art to struggling to make really meaningful art and create a new voice for herself in a cut throat art school and world. Just as I see my work as auto-portraits of my own constant struggle to shed roles that don’t fit me anymore, I see it as a reflection of Claire, as she beautifully personifies an artist facing the changes of her life.


2) Working with Creatives:

Six Feet Under is my favorite show ever. (Pause: so if this sounds like a huge fan's diatribe of a dream come true, well...) It is such an inspiration in it’s depiction of all the characters complex myriad of realities, psychosis, fantasies, faults and attributes alike that I am just overwhelmingly honored and thankful that my photosculpture can play a part in their process. I first approached SFU’s then Art Director now Production Designer, Suzuki Ingerslev, about 2 years ago after I saw a show that hinted that Claire was considering art school and I got goosebumps at the thought that my work could be hers. After Suzuki and Allan Ball and the writers and producers liked my work, I kept in touch as they didn’t know for sure where her work would go.
Cut to me, shaking hands with my first actor to shoot from the show, Peter Krause. He was just what you would imagine, totally cool and chill. And yes, I was crushed out like a 13 year old girl for a second. We talked and bonded over both being gymnasts. He talks easy and a few times I actually had to ask him to stop talking as I only had so much time with him and didn’t want to go overtime, to which he put me at ease and told me to take my time. He was really commanding in a totally comforting way that has a calming effect that I would find myself laughing with him. Unlike the 3 other actors, I didn’t actually apply photos to his face while I pieced together his photosculpture. Art Department provided me with a mold of Peter to work on that they had cast for a prior show where he looked at himself dead in a casket. His photosculpture came out very structured and solid as I had plenty of time to work on it as opposed to racing to completion before my subject gets too antsy underneath their own photo-cast. When it came time to shoot Peter wearing his photosculpture, he had a few of his own ideas of what he wanted to do that were different from what the producers and I had planned and conceived. Which I was fine with but made for lighting up entire sets that weren’t lit and got production assistants and communications a bit scrambled until we stuck to the original plans. So much for total spontaneity. Peter was very into the shoot and a great model and told me he’d be more than willing to do more in the future.
When I knew Michael C. Hall was next after Peter on the day I shot all the macro shots of the actors faces, I purposefully composed myself, successfully, I might add. Michael was more subdued but not at all in an off putting way. He just seemed like a naturally more private person. He was quiet and self assured. Gentle mannered, centered, and a bit sleepy. He yawned a lot at first. We joked about how when people think they know my name but they don’t really, they always call me Michael for some reason while people always call him David because of his character on the show. I mentioned that I had heard that he does a lot of yoga as I do but we didn’t talk much about it passed him saying he does his own kind of meditation. I told him I wanted his sculpture to be mid saying something because I saw his character as more verbal which I think he found a bit perplexing at first but went wholeheartedly with my vision anyway. Later, I more clearly realized I see his character as a strong voice of reason. So we took a little time coming up with a word to catch him speaking that didn’t make him look to weird and I think it was “be”, suitably. When I was shooting around his face he said “be” over and over to keep it fresh, which I of course thought was so cool and profound. Michael came to be photosculpted at my studio. I gave him a tour of the old Masonic temple art live/work space I share, had some tea and then he incubated under his mask for a little bit more than 3 hours and was totally calm till close to the end just like most of my subjects, Frances and Sprague included. Afterward, he really stared at his sculpted resemblance and as he left he joked about his “cromagnin” brow. I shot Michael wearing his sculpture on set in front of the funeral casket display wall in between takes of another scene featuring James Cromwell in the adjoining room. We didn’t have much time between takes and Michael was in a rush to meet an appointment but he was awesomely patient. And even though I’d find him sweating under the sculpture when I took it off, he stayed until I thought I had the shot.
Sprague was totally funny. Right from the start, she kept reminding me that she was a New Yorker and she didn’t want to hear any of my earthy crunchy yoga crap. She talks fast and is quick witted. I didn’t know anything about her character Anita but figured she was probably pretty sassy if she was anything like Sprague, so I shot her with a smart-ass expression and she obliged without argument. I remember the shoot went effortlessly and she kept saying she was happy just to be working for 6 Feet Under as it is the most easy-going and creative production an actor could work for. I remember making fun of her for being so still and yogi like while she sat under the photosculpting process when all she could do was give me the finger. She was hysterical. She was going to try and hook me up with a friend of hers but I think she thought I was a little too crazy obsessed artist fan after I tried to get a little hint of what the plot of the show was as it was kept so secret. Sprague was a trooper while I shot her on staircases and climbing poles while blinded by her sculpture in between smoke breaks and lighting malfunctions.
Frances Conroy was an angelic pleasure to work with. We bonded over living in the same neighborhood and she was very warm and a true artists muse. She has such a giving respect for art and was telling me all about all her artist friends and their work. She was totally down to earth and talked about taking long road trips to buy used cars, joked about me not getting glue on her Target blouse and was zenfully patient when my lighting was mysteriously inconsistently not firing. She told me all about her life and asked about mine, I almost started crying all of a sudden talking about how dance was always my first love. She makes you feel so comfortable. She was the most at ease with getting sculpted and said she went into another place and told me how she meditates daily. It was at the end of an unusually long day when it came time to shoot her wearing her photosculpture and I took two quick rolls of her at the kitchen table and I got one of my favorite shots.

7/27/04 Read this really cool take on the book of Ruth doing research on a title for "Enlightened Ruth"-- the article is called "Conspicuous Christianity" by Steve Zeisler : http://www.pbc.org/dp/zeisler/4586.html God Bless Google

7/20/04 Tear yourself up, put yourself together. There's a strength to being sensitive. A flexibility. If you don't like something about yourself or something.. you think your ugly.. your fear.. fuck that. There is a beauty to finding your bullshit. There's an amazing reality to seeing past it all as a stupid faux facade you think you need to feel about yourself to keep you down. You're way past that humpty dumpty.

currently reading Reality by Peter Kingsley. I love metis

Yeah I'm fuckin preachy when I want to be. Pretty often lately I'm really quiet. I hope it doesn't freak people out too much but then I could give a flyin fuck. Some times it's all I can do to just be. And thank Babaji or whoever for letting me be aware I'm trying to figure out the press junket in my head.

"Most of the soldiers will admit to having bad days when they feel overwhelmed - either by their physical pain or by the hard work of looking at themselves in a new way. But it's not as depressing as you might think. In fact, it's uplifting and inspirational." - Garry Trudeau, Rolling Stone (issue 954, Aug. 5, 2004

4/19/04: Again, it's all about the eternal/universal shifting of all things, all people, animals, plants.. the beauty of life and death in every moment, bittersweet, everlasting.

But then again, every time I try to say what my work is I end up not liking it.. eventually it changes, shifts.. beyond comprehension. There's a world I like, comprehension. I'm always looking for words for titles. I guess to satisfy my need to explain myself. To who though? me? others? creation? religion? why do I feel endebted somehow to even write this? although I don't think I always feel entirely endebted, more like compelled. "inspired"!

Here's what I used on my promo card, which of course is not perfect but perfection isn't perfect if you research the roots of the word.. but I wish I didn't say anything sometimes. It reminds me of when I wanted to go on a vow of silence for a while and my brother Bob talked me out of it, ironically. -- David Meanix constructs three-dimensional, paper-thin photographic replicas of his subjects. Shown in installations, or re-photographed in new surroundings, they exude an intense presence, challenging the ego's efforts to fix our identity while magnifying our transitional vitality.

Here's some I came up with at wit's end after rewriting the promo blurb twenty million times: they haven't been used .. yet.

Getting all wrapped up in yourself is a good thing when it comes to getting photo-sculpted by David Meanix. He takes breaking through to the present moment quite literally. You can consider it like getting a facial, meditate through the process and leave with a whole new you. Not only is it a chance to be one with yourself and one with art, it is your chance to BE art. Consider yourself Meanixed. Sit back and reflect on yourself. Realize just how multidimensional you truly are.

“In life we feel a constant conflict between standing still and being in motion.” –Jan Fabre

Current title options: Comrehension, Everlasting, Suffering, Comparison, Suffering Comparison, Suffering Clarity, Cunning,

Uncontrollable: I went to the movies without you

it felt like spite although you were out of town

sudden like as I rushed to the bathroom

my independence made a sound

I write sonnets in my head about you

even when I think I may want another

I forget them soon as I hear them

afraid you might be my one true lover

you can't always force inspiration

but you can invite it over

and realize when it comes

I think it was the night of day 5 of my recent Master Cleanse Lemonaid Fast that I had this dream:

1/3/04: It's all about Role Play.. the masks we wear, the roles we play to face the world.. when do we wear the face of our true self? Do we even recognize it when we do? Role playing can be a natural survival technique but when do we feel safe enough to drop the masks

12/23/03: Gosh, as I read below, I think now that there is a lot of vagueness in my ruminations, but I also think that is okay as my art can represent my seemingly constant search for clarity that actually is within reach at any given present moment, ... if briefly.

Recent titles/themes come to surface: (circa December 2003)

1/3/04: aberration, APPARITIONS, religious affections (see Roget's Pocket Thesaurus), (you're my).. floatation device., reflective tissue, composure, none other, floodgates, disturbing reality

the relative sight between war and peace; ego and being; mind, body, and soul.. vagueness and clarity (am I losing myself in the big questions to distract myself from present reality? is the spiritual release another drugging, addictive diversion I overdose on complete with hangover/withdrawal/crash symptoms/patterns?; abuse, sobriety, moderation; backwards and forwards; past, furure, and present.. (thesaurical, categorical relations of issues)

Forging a new awareness (when you least expect it)

we are constantly creating and recreating are own reality (life is what you make it)

we are creators, we are artists, we are Gods

Incapsulating, In Development, Production, Capacity, Shakin' it up, non-complacent, solid change?, changing solace, solace realized, Saturation Point, Media Overdose

Come To Surface, Cracking The Surface, Come Undone, Repulsive Beauty, Thin Sanity, Over Sensitive, Great Imitations, Cheap Imitation, Imitation, Gentle, None Other, Only Human, Reflective Tissue, Composure, Floatation Device, Seal The Deal, Content, The Ties That Bind, Containing Potential, Live To Forget, Breaking Out, Cracking Up, empty,-(photosculptures looking into each others hollowness).. Uncomfortable Excitement, Suface Layers, Levels, wasting time, no repitition repitition, clairvoyant, ephemeral, you outta be in pictures, rise out, nervous breakdown, Forging Ahead, forging identity, forging, "The Pieces Are Moving"-(quote from Lord of the Rings), breaking free, forging forth/forward?, breaking free from past patterns and future facades to living in the present moment of bliss, into the forging present, seeing if the pieces fit, shifting moments of silence, shifting moments, shifting stillness, states of being, in between, in between the past and the future; memorization and expectation; philosophical and psychological; sense and sensation; without exageration, in private silence, facades of the private and the public, one by one, with just a little more effort, getting to the bottom of it all, what am I doing?, redefine, removing obstacles, effortless, balancing change, calling for help, combining forces, throwing myself in, god gives time, in between living and existing, mixup, jumble, disparate entities, bring up, personal meditation

Recent Inspirations: Robert Irwin, Houlon, Julia Margaret Cameron, The Getty Center, Monster (the movie)

Images Ideas incorporating photos and video: empty,-(photosculptures looking into each others hollowness).. surface levels- (Figure opening dresser).. figure looking into mirror.. figures dancing.. Ryan sculpt in the rain.. Tara in back of convertable.. Ryan sculpt on tennis court in between people playing..

Narration (Tara convertable): Don't waste my time. Waste my time. Don't not waste my time. (repeat)

Narration (ryan tennis): you always know. you never know. every now and then.

Narration: rise out of you / art savior / whatever comes / is there / as a reflection / of your healing / of healing

puppet suits (limited movement so as to not self destruct by way of friction (God Forbid!) )

photoarchitecture, photo-replication, discover how to use 3D tech.. to create.., create future tech.. (inspired by hollograms)

what inspires us to replicate ourselves- commodify ourselves like robots? I might not come up with any answers but I sure can generate some questions

my sculptures represent us as multitaskers holding all the pieces of our complicatied lives together. It represents us creating new selves to handle and deal with the constant changes and challenges life has to offer

10/19/2003: WARNING, THIS BELOW SECTION IN CAPS WAS WRITTEN LATE AT NIGHT WHEN I WAS A BIT PUNCHY AND BRATTY..

I'M LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THESE ENTRIES ARE PRETTY MUCH IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER FROM MORE RECENT ABOVE TO way PAST BELOW

LATELY I FEEL WAY LESS OH I HAVE TO TAKE MY WORK AND WHAT IT MEANS SO SERIOUS, NOT THAT IT DIDN'T OR DOESN'T MEAN A LOT, IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T/SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TRY SO HARD TO MAKE IT SO

I'm sick of feeling like I am supposed to be all stuffy about it, that's not me.

yes, IT IS ABOUT GREATNESS, ABOUT THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING

AND HOW THAT CHANGES EVERTHING AS MUCH AS EVERYING ALWAYS CHANGES.

GREATNESS IS A CHALLENGE BOTH BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIFYING, FULL OF CHANGE AND WORTH EVERY STEP TOWARDS ACHIEVEMENT

AND WORTH MAKING FUN OF AND HAVING FUN WITH ALONG THE WAY DAMMIT

THANK GOD WE CAN COME OUT OF EVERYTHING WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

EVERYTHING IS EXTRAORDINARY, YEAH, GOT IT, THANKS, ROLL OF THE EYES, SIGH OF RELIEF

MY WORK IS ABOUT POWER OF CREATION AS IN LIFE FORCE MUY MYSTERIOSO, THE GLUE THAT BINDS US ALL TOGETHER AS ONE SO WE CAN EMBRACE THE DIFFERENCES IN EACH OTHER, THE PSYCHE, PHILOSOPHICAL CROSSROADS, THE SPIRIT, ******* NOW CAN WE MOVE ON AND JUST TRIP OUT ON IT ALL

THAT'S WHAT MY WORK IS ABOUT NOW, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU CAN JUST STARE OUT THE WINDOW FOREVER and enjoy every spaced out moment

COMING UNRAVELED, TAKING IN POSITIVE INFLUENCES AND ENJOYING THE AWARENESS OF THAT HAPPENING

HUMOR IS LAUGHING AT HOW SELF HELPY I AM

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My sculptures are about release. They portray a bringing forth of one's true self while consciously shedding pretenses. Emergence may appear frightening but with love and honesty, we can replace past patterns and embody change.

Change may seem scary, but fear is only paper thin. There is nothing between you and love.

My sculptures are alive, hatching "forgiveness and gentleness... the qualities of the Self-possessed. They represent eternal virtue." A realization that we are spirit held in release from the physical body. Cacoons of sublime bliss.

Hatch: to form by meditation, and bring into being; to originate and produce...

Making a definitive statement about my work is like making a definitive statement about life: the more I embrace it the more it all keeps changing, expanding, deepening.... redefining itself. The layering of my work reflects my fascination with that constant shedding, renewal, reformation.

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Titles: choose a title, any title...

An Added Dimension, Hatch, Let Me Go, I Am Not Apologizing, Transcendence, Over Your Self, Paper Thin, Rough Grafts, Recent Realizations, Shedding Light, Autonomy, Multifaceted, Perm To Temp, Holy Divided, Look At What You’ve Become, Nothing To Be Scared Of, Purge, Peel Off, Tearing Myself A Part, Rip Apart, Break Out, What Seems To Be, Fragile Shifts, Incarnation, Emergence, newfound wisdom, ethereal, strenuous spiritual effort, Re:, Recognition, Re-conceive, A.D.D , Peace By Peace , Making Progress, Under Construction, Healing Power, Start From Scratch. Scratching the Surface, Let the Guard Down, Outside Your Self, Get Over Yourself Not Always Pretty, Recovery, Recycle, Every Part, Hatchlings, Ripped to Pieces, In Your Face, Transfixed, Rejuvinate, New Life, Meditations, Self Aware, Getting It, Rattled, Gaining Perspective, Devils in the Details, Continuity, Transitory Perfection, ..., Totally Ripped Off, Personal Breakthrough, Meak Construct

----------------------More Tantalizing Titles:
Transcendence
Over Your Self
Paper Thin
Rough Grafts
Recent Realizations
Shedding Light
Autonomy
Multifaceted
Permanently Temporary
Wholly Divided
Look At What You've Become
Nothing To Be Scared Of
Purge
Peel Off
Tear Away
Rip Apart
What Seems To Be
Fragile Shifts
Incarnation
Emergence
newfound wisdom
ethereal
strenuous spiritual effort
Re:
Recognition
Re-conceive

Yes, I'm into self-realization. I get high on the creative process.

To inspire others to continue with their own creative change would be an added bonus...

Links:

Achilles Rizzoli

Diane Arbus

www.emanations.net

http://www.khamush.com/

Autobiography of a Yogi

The Power of Now

Julia Kristeva- http://www.msu.edu/user/chrenkal/980/JKRIST.HTM : Therefore, I would argue that we must heal our shattered narcissism before formulating higher objectives. Shattering Language: Julia Kristeva is interested in the subversive effects of language---discourse that confronts language and thinks it against itself, discourse (like the language of carnival) that absorbs concepts within relationships and works toward harmony all the while implying the idea of rupture as a way of transforming or breaking the code "to shatter language. . .to find specific discourse closer to the body and emotions, to the unnameable repressed by the social contract. . ."

Bikram, Bikram Yoga, http://www.BikramYoga.com/

http://www.cityyoga.com/

Feng Shui

Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way

Georges Bataille -- (www.kirjasto.sci.fi/bataille.htm)
the ultimate aim of all intellectual, artistic, or religious activity should be the annihilation of the rational individual in a violent, transcendental act of communion
"The actions of religious sacrifice and of erotic fusion, in which the subject seeks to be 'loosed from its relatedness to the I' and to make room for reestablished 'continuity of Being', are exemplary for him. Bataille, too, pursues the traces of a primordial force that could heal the discontinuity or rift between the rationally disciplined world of work and the outlawed other of reason. He imagines this overpowering return to a lost continuity as the eruption of elements opposed to reason, as a breathtaking act of self-de-limiting. In this process of dissolution, the monadically closed-off subjectivity of self-assertive and mutually objectifying individuals is dispossess and cast down into the abyss." (Jürgen Habermas in Philosophical Discourse of Modernity, 1987)

Ed Gein. People have said my work reminds them of Ed Gein. I don't relish the comparison... but I'm fine with it in that: It is not, and never was, my intention to disturb. Horrify, no. Move, yes. If it moves you to be scared then I hope I scare the shit out of you. :)

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C'mon, is it the Age of Aquarius or what?

Damaged. Yeah we're all damaged, the fun is looking past that and laughing. My photos aren't neccessarily about being pleasing or soothing to the eye... they're ment to stir you up. Rattle you. I love it most when a viewer gets excited about being uncomfortable. When they see themselves as the subject and get excited about being an oxymoron....

------------Statement Rough Grafts

My sculptures are about release and reformation. They represent a conscious shedding of false pretenses and my desire to be true to myself and others. They may seem horrific but personally, they remind me that with love and honesty, I can replace old oppressive patterns and embody change.

AND EARLIER RUMINATING

While drawing attention to details of the flesh, the surface of our skin, so often under consideration, -and duly so, since I see every inch of ourselves symbolic of a universe- I also wish to draw the viewer to see what is beyond visual and even mental recognition of our physical shell. My aim is to represent that we are actually more than the construct of our body and our mind, to have the viewer see each sculpture not as piece by piece presented but as an entire being which is at peace and present, interconnected as opposed to divided. I am obsessed with every seemingly separate part of ourselves as related to the whole, inseparable. I am not so much obsessed with the morbid aspects of skin shedding as I am obsessed by life and the challenge to shed the past and stay present through constant change.


(well I guess part of me feels like I've got a whole lot of explaining to do)


At one moment, I feel as if am showcasing the many dualities life seems to present. At the next I feel as if I am showing a blending of opposites unopposed coexisting in the peace found in between. I am also; at the risk of appearing simple and stereotypical, unapologetically spiritual when I go further to say my work, like so much art, is at once a testimony to life, (and an expression of an ecstatic communion with divinity) as it is to the Maya- the illusion- of life. The “neti neti”- not this, not that, that can both perplex and mystify.



My sculptures are shedding. They simultaneously represent the struggle against stagnation as well as the beauty of embodying the ever evolving, dynamic multidimensionality of life. My sculpture seeks to show that the ego cannot define our self, it only constructs a paper-thin, deceivingly complex, shell of “self” in an effort to mask our true identity that lives without need of recognition or justification from the mind and ego, beyond definition. By showing only the outer shell of a life form made solely from surface layers of skin, I wish to draw the viewer to realize their presence is beyond visual and even mental recognition of our physical. I want the viewer aware of the eternal underneath the forms. The viewer may see each figure as the ego would represent them: separated, isolated piece by piece, fragmented in time. I experience them solely as an amazing image of the now we are always in, constantly between shedding past and future projections. I see a being aware of the peace within the universality of life. Despite whatever they may be experiencing at any given moment, they are emanating and aware of their inner peace. They are present, not presenting, interconnected, undivided, and complete. I honestly never did and still don’t set out to create work that’s deathly, disturbing, or something to be scared of. When people react in fear however, I am glad because I hope to help them tap into an awareness of their resistance to surrender to change and self-realization. I am not obsessed with death. I am obsessed by life and the process of seeking to live in the present. Like a snake sheds its skin, my work represents my path of personal growth. I let go of my mind’s construct of expectations and just live at one with the spirit of who I am.




AND FURTHER RUMINATIONS

Reps a shedding of negative illusions and a constant outpouring of new beginnings
The importance of finding the beauty behind what may first appear as ugly, overwhelming, uncomfortable, difficult, challenging…
The False Self

Among other things, for now I’ll tell you….
My work represents my ever changing and examining, often extremist, outlook on facing my own reality. For example, one moment, all I’ll ever seem to be is an ugly embodiment of self destructive issues. The next moment, I see right through that facade for the paper thin construct of fearful ego that they truly are and be an outpouring of our love of life from our core.
All that as a paper thin mask easily shed with the realization of self love
My work examines choosing between the ugliness of indulging the façades of ego and the outpouring of beauty that comes with self realization its every part is sacred to the universal whole.

Personally, I can tell you it has a lot to do with a strong want to show the world the beauty of self-realization, the importance of shedding the facades of ego and truly facing the challenges of creating change.
My sculptures represent my own, possibly small and naive, way of trying to save the world. I am trying to say that we are more than a paper thin façade of ego issues: stagnation, unwilling to change, face reality... share

The illusion of duality, questioning the “truths” of ego
My sculptures say so many things to me that all have to do with one thing; the search for truth. I know that is a really broad and seemingly cliché artist’s statement but that’s what it’s all about. They represent the struggle to be really honest in a world where excelling above perceived high external expectations and doing whatever it takes to make the right impression can seem more important than being yourself. I believe in being the best you can be but not if putting your best face forward means displaying a dishonest one. Eventually, like nature, honesty wins and breaks down whatever façade we try to create. That’s why our best friends are the ones we can be real with, the ones we can be strong enough to be fragile and vulnerable with, the ones who we don’t have to put on an act.

when I feel like I'm always crying, I just let go of the pain, oh how I love you; A Welcome Change

You don't choose art, Art chooses you.

Simply said, my sculptures represent many points of view, obviously physically, but more often I think of each piece of paper representing parts of my self. On one hand, so to speak, there are my struggles with facing the truth of a part of who I am. Coming out, for example, was a major challenge to my ego, which thought it would be easier to live a lie. My fearful ego tried to drown out my natural inclination to be happy as I am and tricked me into believing in it's false construct of being lesser-than, non-deserving, shameful, and on and on. I was actually consciously dedicated to building this façade, happy even to at least appear normally happy to others as long as I felt loathsome on the inside. Feeling suicidal and severely depressed was almost fully accepted as normal, no questions asked. Until I had a nervous breakdown, thank God. To this day, I struggle not to initially identify myself and others as objects of fear, just as I choose not to see each piece of paper in my sculpture as another scary layer of inadequacy. I see past the sculptures and my self seeming to be a constant unfolding of compiled, destructive patterns. Now, when I construct my sculptures, I come from the core of consciouslness to past a paper thin façade of false negative illusions. I come from my core where deep down I truly love my self and every layer of self is a reflection to my many talents and positive aspects there are to my being alive and loving every moment as I live it. Every inch of me is sacred as every moment and each piece of paper I can choose to another peaceful part of me being easy on myself while outpouring of love of change. I consciously reflect on how we are more than what we seem I remind my self that we are a reflection of the truth of love and everlasting life that is inside of us, inside the ether between the atoms of our cells.
My sculptures are lifelike and deathlike simultaneously. I see this as a challenge to the ego that is always scared of both. Instead of rejoicing in the presence of this life and seeing

My sculptures are lifelike and deathlike simultaneously. I see this as a challenge to the ego that is always scared of both. Instead of rejoicing in the presence of this life and seeing... being excited by the illusion of duality....

A reflection of my constant challenge to create, expect, and accept change, whether that change be comfortable or not. Life isn’t necessarily about constant comfort, it is about our ability to find comfort with constant change. As difficult as it seems for me to tell my story, it isn’t. I may choose to see it as difficult or threatening to admit to what you may see as bare weakness but then I’d be missing my own point.

Each piece of paper reps a choice a question a definition a new beginning, the now, would I like to feel this way or that or both. We are always shifting and shedding and recycling ideas and knowledge in an infinite number of combinations. We can choose to see our circumstances dualistically as good or bad, or we can just BE... without judgement, without identification, without chaos.


Previous Artist’s Statement:

We are a sum of our parts.
Weakness is a call for strength.
Demons are a call for peace.
We are but fleeting facades for the conviction of creation.
Just being ourselves, we are so much more.

The work speaks to:
Adaptation, Awareness
Being, Beauty
cloning, “carbon copies”, Courage, Change, Creation, Confidence
Documentation
Finding and maintaining structure

Genetics,

Metamorphosis
Mortality
Solitude
Stillness
Vanity
Media projection
Preservation, psychological patterns, Perseverance, Patience
Trust
Intuition
Loss
Sadness

Holding every part of ourselves sacred
Struggle
Interconnectedness
Meditation
Staying alert

Humility
Recycling, Reincarnation, Release, Reproduction, Realization, Reality, Relic, Remainder,
Superfluity,
Fluidity
Puzzlement
Anger
Masquerading incarnations
Union
Appearance
Depiction
Significance
Staying present
Totem
Vestige
Willingness
Letting go and holding on

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